Moon Madness

So there's a total lunar eclipse tonight. I'm usually interested, but this time...I'm not in the mood for stargazing. Or moongazing, as the case is.

I'm just having a pretty bad day. Haven't been in the mood to do anything. I'm hungry, but I don't feel like eating. I'm tired, but don't feel like going to bed. I might just indulge in a diazepam today.

The only good thing about today is that I made rock buns, and BabyGirl loved them. And I had a couple of good laughs with Mum, so that helped me get through the day.

I blame the moon.

Monday Meh

My sleep cycle kinda got screwed up over the weekend, especially since I was sick on Friday, and slept the whole day. Then the staying up late for three nights in a row didn't help matters.

It's Monday. It's raining. I'm on my way to work.

I'd rather be in bed.

But hey, I've decides to bake cheesecake brownies after work, since I have all the ingredients. Besides, do I really need an excuse for cheesecake brownies?

- Posted from KiP

My Black Dog

I've been in a funk for a while now, and I didn't even realise it, although it's felt naggingly familiar to me. At first, I put it down to jetlag, but that's long behind me. I thought it could be PMS, but that's come and gone. I thought it might be holiday withdrawal, but looking back, I realised this actually started when I was in London.

I haven't had very much appetite lately, and just haven't been in the mood to eat. And when I do feel like eating, it's comfort or junk food I turn to. Or I'll binge, then go a couple days barely eating. I've been so very tired, and just feel like sleeping all the time. I get headaches every day, and I've had a couple migraine attacks recently. I'm not motivated at work, and I don't enjoy doing the things I used to. For want of a better term, I just feel blah all the time. I've been more irritable than usual, and I've come close to snapping at the people around me. I feel like crying several times a day, and often have to excuse myself.

Yes, I've had a couple reprieves, most notably on my birthday weekend. I can still go out and get caught up in the moment, which is a good thing. But I still feel all hollow inside, and it really does seem like a dark cloud's been following me around. I didn't want to go out at all. Really, all I wanted to do was curl up with a bottle of wine. If I lived alone, I prolly would have done just that.

It only just hit me this morning why this feeling is so familiar. I felt this very same way back in 2006. This same hopelessness, this same eff-it-all attitude, the same why-do-I-even-try feeling. I hate using the term, but it's true; I'm depressed.

Good thing is...I've hit rock bottom before, and I've learnt to be a little more aware of my emotions and my triggers. I guess I'm glad I was in such a bad place years ago; the experience has provided me with the tools I need to get through another dark period. Therapy was good for something!

And I'm fully aware of what's triggered this...episode. The first two catalysts, I can't do anything about; I'll just have to accept them. The third one...I've tried to deal with it, and I failed. Over and over again. And I think I've given up, but a little part in me says to keep trying. And I don't know what to do. The fourth, I can't do anything about for at least a year, so I'll just have to wait.

There are several others, but...all fairly manageable I think. At least, I'm trying to manage. It would be a lot easier if I could just talk to someone about all this, but to whom? Everyone's carrying their own burdens, some of which are far far heavier than mine; they don't have to listen to my piddly little issues. Then again, I guess this post is my way of talking to you guys. And I know you'll ask what's wrong, but I'll say "nothing, I'm fine." Because honestly? Nothing's "wrong". Besides, I don't know how to articulate any of what I'm feeling.

It does help somewhat to know that I'm not alone. Reluctant Mom expresses it better than I can. It's nothing I haven't experienced before. I'll still smile, and I'll still laugh. Because I'm supposed to be the happy, strong one. I'll still carry around this ball of despair until it dissipates. And it will, because like all things, this too shall pass.



But in the meantime, this fucking sucks.



"If you're going through hell, keep going." -- Winston Churchill

At least it's not Monday!

If I cab it to work, I almost always take the exact same route. Today, I decided to take the old route, so I could give bro a lift.

I now remember why I switched routes. The number of traffic lights! The amount of traffic! Regular route has two junctions before I hit the expressway. This route? I'm already at the 4th light, and I'm still an 8-minute walk from home.

I'll now be late for work. Damn my thoughtfulness! My bro's an adult, he can jolly well go to work on his own!

...oh, who am I kidding? He's still my baby bro, I'll still knock on his door to wake him, and I'll still give him a lift if I'm taking a cab.
Besides, if I'm late, I just get sideways glances and not-so-subtle hints. He's late, he gets charged.

6 minutes to get to the office. I am...not going to make the 7.30 mark.

Oh, one more thing. You know how there are very few things that actually taste good after you've brushed your teeth? Yoghurt is not one of those things. Learn from my fail, my friends; learn from my fail.


- Posted from KiP

Location:on the road

Out of Steam

I was super productive the first half of this week. I was working through half the lunch hour, I stayed late one evening, and I got a lot accomplished.

At home, I went into a cleaning frenzy; I cleaned out my closet and got rid of quite a lot of clothes. I did some major cleaning out of my desk and dresser area. I'm waiting for my brother and bro-in-law to be around over the weekend, so they can do some heavy lifting. Getting rid of the table/shelves in my room, and moving a shelving unit from Mum's room to mine.

In short, I accomplished a lot in a couple days. And I had such fun too! Don't even get me started on how happy I get when I'm organising things.

Yesterday and today, however...my mojo seems to have taken a break. I'm all bleh and meh now, and quite unmotivated indeed. Did I use up all of my productivity quota at the beginning of the week?

Good thing it's FRIIIIDAAAAYY.


I need a nap. Preferably one lasting at least 3 hours.

Red Bull Week; Day 4

One red bull wasn't enough. I'm in class now, and I'm beyond knackered. I'm also ill; sore throat, dizziness, aching all over, cold....not fun.

I'll try to pay attention now.

I can survive two and a half more hours, can't I? I'm definitely taking a cab home. Don't think I can face the train, and the walk home.


ETA:
One hour to go, and I'm struggling. Even after that red bull and a coffee, I'm fading, fast. Really, really struggling. DEFINITELY cabbing it, expense be damned.

Red Bull Week; Day 3

Actually, no Red Bull goodness today. Might explain why I'm so tired! Had a presentation in class today; it went alright. Managed to cobble something together just before I left for class. Not too bad for a half-arsed, last minute attempt!

Nothing else new today. I'm enjoying classes, but really, it's all so crammed that there's not much time to prepare/revise anything.

I know I should prolly do some of the reading, but I'm so knackered now. I'm just going to watch an episode of WLIIA and then go to sleep. I be exhausted. Did I mention that I'm beat? I'm clean tuckered out.

Monday Bleh

Woke up earlyish today. But I missed the bus anyway. Decided to get a cab, and be really early for work. Took me half an hour to get one.

Bright side: I'll still be on time for work. In fact, pretty early still.

Also, I have to call the phone company and give someone hell. Receiving text messages ten minutes to two HOURS after they were sent? Not being able to make/receive calls? No connection to the Internet?

Not Cool. At this rate, I might have to go back to previous phone provider.

Feeling a sore throat coming on. Good thing I have throat lozenges in the office. Two different kinds, even. And must really remember to take my vitamin C. And zinc. The bug going round my office doesn't seem to want to stop attacking me. Well, I'm counterattacking now! Still. Being tired makes me a little more vulnerable.

Urgh. Doesn't help that there's no sun. Well, I'm sure there is, but grey clouds are blocking it out. How dreary. I need to feel the sun on my skin. Afterwhich I'll mutter something about it being too damn hot, and scuttle back indoors.

Gah. Is it obvious that I'm not having the best morning?

No matter. The day will get better.


- Posted from KiP

Ennui

So many things are going on right now, and I find myself being rather overwhelmed. I know what to do, I know where to start; I just can't seem to muster up the energy and enthusiasm for any of it.

Certain people in my life aren't helping much either. What with their being unable/unwilling to communicate...well, sometimes I just look around in complete bewilderment.

But as with all things, this too shall pass.

Unmotivated

Yeah, what it says in the subject line.
So much to do, so little motivation.

At least I got a lie-in this morning.

Bah.

Sometimes it's tough to keep a positive outlook, on days that are just wrong wrong wrong. I've been grumpy for the past couple days, as Neko can attest. I couldn't think why I was so moody for no apparent reason, until I got an email reminding me of Aunt Flo's impending visit. It's not like I overly mind having Aunt Flo drop by; it's just that she gets a bit annoying at times, and affects my mood rather more than I'd like.

Didn't help that today was just a...not-quite-fantastic day. I texted a couple of my friends yesterday, asking if they wanted to meet up for dinner tonight. They both said they'll get back to me today. Neither of them did. And honestly, I'm not going to bother to call/text to ask them again, if they can't be bothered to send me a simple text to say they can't make it.

Work didn't go too well today either, and I was just an emotional wreck at the end of the day. It's odd that these days, I don't cry when I'm sad, but when I'm frustrated, I do.

Mum wasn't in the best mood either, and sometimes I worry about her. But we haven't yet arrived at the stage where she pours out troubles to me, and I'm usually at a loss as to how to deal with anything emotional. So we just left it...but I did try to make her laugh a bit. And I'm quite glad that she did seem to cheer up a bit.

The evening picked up a bit though. I pretty much just cocooned myself in my shell the whole evening, watching TV shows.

Psych is back! After their mid-season hiatus, that is. It's good to see the show again, always lots of laughs to be had. And this week's episode had Cary Elwes guest starring! Always win.

Misfits is back! Their second series opener was this week, and it was brilliant! I definitely cheered up after watching it, what with Nathan's lines. So many great lines that I can't pick my favourite. I have decided against using "monkeyslut" as my password. Everyone knows it!

Also watched a couple episodes of Community. Their Halloween episode "Epidemiology" (caution: spoilers) is one of my favourites now. Zombies! It's such a genre-savvy show, and it's just so cleverly written.

So yes, that's how I spent my day. Being grumpy at work, then being grumpy at home.

Once in a while, I have my off days. And that's okay.

Withdrawal

Now that the World Cup is over, what do I do now? What did water cooler conversation consist of before?

I'm so very happy that Spain won. I've always rooted for Spain and Portugal, and it's such a thrill to see one of them lift the Cup. Which isn't really a cup.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now though. I'm waiting for my laptop to be repaired - just a simple matter of replacing the fan, but had to wait for parts to be in stock. I miss good old Red. As much as I love my iPhone, there are some things that I need a proper computer for. Blogging, for example, just isn't the same on a touchscreen.

At least I still have lots to occupy my time with. I've signed up for another module, so I'll be busy with classes for a few more weeks. I'm still tutoring. Work is getting super busy, what with the project coming to a close. And I'm working on maintaining a work-life balance.

So yes, my days are pretty full. Still doesn't answer the question though.

What am I going to do, now that the World Cup's over???