I've been in a funk for a while now, and I didn't even realise it, although it's felt naggingly familiar to me. At first, I put it down to jetlag, but that's long behind me. I thought it could be PMS, but that's come and gone. I thought it might be holiday withdrawal, but looking back, I realised this actually started when I was in London.
I haven't had very much appetite lately, and just haven't been in the mood to eat. And when I do feel like eating, it's comfort or junk food I turn to. Or I'll binge, then go a couple days barely eating. I've been so very tired, and just feel like sleeping all the time. I get headaches every day, and I've had a couple migraine attacks recently. I'm not motivated at work, and I don't enjoy doing the things I used to. For want of a better term, I just feel blah all the time. I've been more irritable than usual, and I've come close to snapping at the people around me. I feel like crying several times a day, and often have to excuse myself.
Yes, I've had a couple reprieves, most notably on my birthday weekend. I can still go out and get caught up in the moment, which is a good thing. But I still feel all hollow inside, and it really does seem like a dark cloud's been following me around. I didn't want to go out at all. Really, all I wanted to do was curl up with a bottle of wine. If I lived alone, I prolly would have done just that.
It only just hit me this morning why this feeling is so familiar. I felt this very same way back in 2006. This same hopelessness, this same eff-it-all attitude, the same why-do-I-even-try feeling. I hate using the term, but it's true; I'm depressed.
Good thing is...I've hit rock bottom before, and I've learnt to be a little more aware of my emotions and my triggers. I guess I'm glad I was in such a bad place years ago; the experience has provided me with the tools I need to get through another dark period. Therapy was good for something!
And I'm fully aware of what's triggered this...episode. The first two catalysts, I can't do anything about; I'll just have to accept them. The third one...I've tried to deal with it, and I failed. Over and over again. And I think I've given up, but a little part in me says to keep trying. And I don't know what to do. The fourth, I can't do anything about for at least a year, so I'll just have to wait.
There are several others, but...all fairly manageable I think. At least, I'm trying to manage. It would be a lot easier if I could just talk to someone about all this, but to whom? Everyone's carrying their own burdens, some of which are far far heavier than mine; they don't have to listen to my piddly little issues. Then again, I guess this post is my way of talking to you guys. And I know you'll ask what's wrong, but I'll say "nothing, I'm fine." Because honestly? Nothing's "wrong". Besides, I don't know how to articulate any of what I'm feeling.
It does help somewhat to know that I'm not alone. Reluctant Mom expresses it better than I can. It's nothing I haven't experienced before. I'll still smile, and I'll still laugh. Because I'm supposed to be the happy, strong one. I'll still carry around this ball of despair until it dissipates. And it will, because like all things, this too shall pass.
But in the meantime, this fucking sucks.
"If you're going through hell, keep going." -- Winston Churchill
